Lost In Transaltion II

The master has been at it again; our favourite producer of top quotes, head of Ryanair Michael O'Leary, was recently at a conference in Germany.

While commenting on his airline's new trans Atlantic service, which will offer all sorts of extras, he taxed the poor struggling translator with this nugget:

"Surely you have a word for handjobs in German?"

Lost In Translation

From the in-flight information on Aeroflot's service to the Far East...

"Attention please passengers travelling to Japan. According to new requirements of the Japanese Air Authorities, the conditions of immigration control upon arrival will be changed. Since November 2001 all foreigners will have to leave their fingerprints and be shot while passing immigration control."

Marshals: Some Thoughts

The thorny question of using armed 'Sky Marshals' has been raised again with the news that they could soon be deployed on all transatlantic flights on US airlines. Although shrouded in secrecy it is thought that the undercover agents, who are there to prevent hijackers and terrorists seizing control of the aircraft, have been covertly operating on some flights for a number of years. The Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has recently said that the government is willing to consider a request from Washington to put them on all flights in a bid to increase security.

Speaking in Washington on Monday she said "Firstly, with respect to Air Marshals, there are a whole range of ways which, as you can understand, we don't talk about necessarily in public and in detail, where we're already able make sure on an intelligence-led basis that there is the security there should be around flights. That's something that should be, and is, an important part of our relationship and the discussions that we have on a daily basis." That's cleared that up, then.

The issue has been raised by a 10-page memorandum of understanding sent by the American security administration to all EU capitals which, if accepted, would see a large increase in the number of armed guards on planes. Although the UK has allowed them on some flights, other EU countries have refused point blank.

America may also stiffen security in other ways, such a requiring all incoming passengers to provide detailed information before purchasing a ticket. The Eu may follow suit. Today it is unveiling proposals for non-EU passengers to register their finger prints when entering the European Union. All of which, if adopted, probably boils down to yet more aggravation for travellers.

Grub Up!

Feeling peckish? There's nothing like the experience of airline travel to make you feel hungry (sometimes through sheer boredom) and nothing like the sight and smell of much airline food to quickly extinguish your appetite. The logistical challenge of simply delivering 400 meals to tray tables throughout a 747, never mind heating them up in the first place, is pretty stiff.

Once they're in front of the passengers the food is struggling to impress not only with the ambience (plastic cutlery, tin pots and a neighbour's elbow in your nosh aren't usually high on a restaurant's list of desired attributes) but also with the fact that a person's ability to taste reduces by around 30% in the dry, air-conditioned, pressurised cabin. So the chef has to really ladle on the seasoning if their offering isn't to be flavourless.

The biggest in-flight catering company is Gate Gourmet which delivers, wait for it, 548,000 meals daily to 250 airlines in 25 countries (now you know why it all tastes the same whichever airline you fly!). That's 200 million meals a year. They tailor make the menu for each airline's requirements and produce food reflecting wide variety of cuisine traditions from British Airways to Thai Airways.

Despite the often patchy offerings, many airlines try hard to come up with good fare and some well known chefs have taken up the challenge of mile high catering. Aldo Zilli has worked with Thomsonfly, Michel Roux has advised BA, Peter Gordon (Providores) has helped Air New Zealand's menu, Gordon Ramsay has given advice to Singapore Airlines and Mark Hix (The Ivy) is on Virgin's catering panel. Hmmm, time for lunch...

Ryanair (sort of) Make it up with Le President

An update on the piece a few days ago reporting the unauthorised use of President Sarkozy and his then squeeze now spouse Carla Bruni. The newlyweds have have won a case against low-cost airline Ryanair for using their picture without consent.

But the court in Paris awarded Ms Bruni only 60,000 euros (US$89,000; £45,000) - a fraction of the 500,000 euros she had asked for. Mr Sarkozy was given the symbolic single euro he had claimed for himself.

Ms Bruni - a former model - said 500,000 euros would have been her normal professional fee for appearing in an advertisement. But the court put her loss of earnings at only 60,000 euros.

Ryanair had apologised before the case came to court for using the couple's image without their consent, insisting it meant no offence. "It was a humorous comment on a matter of great public interest," a Ryanair spokeswoman in Dublin said.

We have also heard that Ryanair has been quoted as saying that they're so grateful for the enormous amount of publicity that the whole thing has generated they're happy to donate a further £45,000 to a charity of Ms Bruni/Mme Sarkozy's choice. That's why we love 'em!

LOTs of Pressure on Polish Carrier

The Polish national carrier LOT is in danger of becoming a victim of the social revolution taking place in its home country. The enormous increase in Poles travelling abroad in recent years (thousands have taken foreign holidays and up to 2m now live and work outside Poland) has caused competition from budget airlines to cut into LOT's market. Both WizzAir and Ryanair operate from Poland with their customary low fares policy.

Such is the strain on LOT that the Polish government plans to sell its 68% interest in the operator later this year. This could take the form of an IPO or a sell off to another carrier. According the Zdzislaw Gawlik, deputy treasury minister, an IPO is "a foregone conclusion" in June or July.

BA Offering Upgrades?

Shortly before Christmas British Airways was awarded 'World's Leading Airline, 2007' at the World Traveller Awards. According to Robert Boyle, BA's Commercial Director, at the ceremony in the Caribbean islands of Turks and Caicos. "As a British airline, we are honoured to have achieved this global accolade, and will continue to offer the upgraded service that people expect from us." Do people really expect an upgrade from British Airways?

British Airways Employees Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia as we all know is a great resource, but one that has always to be treated with a certain amount of scepticism. New information reveals that there are tens of thousands of anonymous people around the world editing entries on the site. Many of theses edits, it would appear, come from British Airways computers. This is the list of BA edits. Probably most of the 328 edits are really helpful....

Not The Mile High Club

In 2003 an American travel agency specializing in ‘clothing-optional vacations’ announced that they were organizing the first nude flight. However, according to the owners of the travel agency this was not an excuse for naughtiness. "Inappropriate behavior is not condoned," said James Bailey, who owns Castaways Travel with his wife, Donna Daniels. "This is not a Mile High Club, not a bunch of groupies or anything. It's just a fun flight."

The company chartered a Boeing 727, with 170 seats, for a week’s holiday for the nudists in Cancun, Mexico. The crew naturally remained fully clothed, and passengers checked in dressed and had to remain that way for take off. It was only when the aircraft reached cruising altitude that they got their kit off. Even then according to the travel agent. "Nude etiquette always requests you take a towel - you always have a towel between you and the seat," he said. Other precautions on the flight included the fact that no hot drinks or meals were going to be served on board – “to avoid those nasty little accidents.”

The Travel Agent, who books around fifty nudist trips each year said, "People are looking for stress relief. In a nudist environment, everyone is the same. There's no culture shock, no hierarchy of social strata, no caste system. Everyone is on the same wavelength."

The Federal Aviation Administration is taking a hands-off approach. "We have no regulations pertaining to nudity on board an aircraft." Does this mean you cannot be arrested on an American aircraft if you take your clothes off?

Anyone interested in checking out their, ‘clothing optional vacations’ can do so on the web; we’ll leave you to find the web address!

KidEx Anyone?

WestJet, a Canadian airline lost a seven-year-old boy who was travelling alone as an 'unaccompanied minor' a few days ago; the lad was on his route to visit his grandmother on Vancouver Island. Despite wearing a tag around his neck that identified him to airline employees as an unaccompanied minor, he was not escorted off the flight at the airport in Comox, British Columbia. Nothing actually happened to the boy who was met at the airport; it was just that he was not escorted. It's been suggested that it would have been safer to ship the boy FedEx.

Maybe there's a business here - KidEx?

easyJet - One Hit Revenue Wonder

There's news today that easyJet are to start charging £2 for every bag that passengers check in, previously they've been charging £5 for just the second bag that is put in the hold. This brings them in line with Ryanair, while BA is to charge some passengers for a second bag. easyJet carried around 33 million passengers last year so it's probable that their revenue from check in baggage will climb by around £30 million.

"It's about getting people to pack smarter, travel lighter and travel cheaper," according to easyJet. Well yes, that's true but it will save them money in fuel burn, save handling charges at airports and possibly, but doubtfully potentially save them some turn round times. Overall though it's another one hit revenue wonder for the carrier.

Sex is in the Air, Again

...see that got you attention. It has also got the attention of Air New Zealand who have designed their new flat bed business premier class seat so that no one else in sight for the benefit of that female corporate traveller who has been "very badly served", over the years. This is according to their group general manager.

He went on to explain that the airline has taken a leaf out of the book of the Hilton chain that allows female guests to order room service and pay the same price as they would in the hotel restaurant, so that they don't feel guilty about eating in their room. Quite how that logic explains how the airline came to realises that "women travellers do not want to find themselves sitting or indeed lying next to a plump, chatty salesman from Iowa so it is trying to avoid these situations."

Salesmen from Iowa, plump or otherwise, should rise up and defend themselves.