How to Get Ahead

Dreaming of joining the glamorous world of airline cabin staff but just a mite under size? Itching to swan down the first class aisle doling out champagne but a fraction off the right stature? Keen to see the world but a little on the petite side? Help is at hand (or, rather, at head). After being approached by a woman who was marginally too short to qualify for an airline's minimum height requirements to land her 'dream job' of becoming a flight attendant, a Spanish surgeon has had a moment of inspiration.

Dr Luis de la Cruz has hit upon the wheeze of, rather than invasive and debilitating leg extension surgery, and more permanent than wearing Sarko-style Cuban heels, to add an inch or two by performing a 'head implant'. Yup, under local anaesthetic he just slips a silicon implant under the scalp and, hey presto, you're taller. "The patient is very happy with the result and is now an air stewardess," he reports.

He's subsequently performed the operation on 17 people, adding up to 2 inches to their height, at a cost of about £4,000 a time. However, people with thin faces beware - he says you shouldn't go for it as you'll look odd. In contrast to the pack of Mekons he's already done it on, we're sure. So if the flight attendant serving your next meal looks a bit like she's fresh from a Tefal advert, you'll know why.

While on the subject of cabin crew, pity the poor member of BA's staff working a flight out of Heathrow's Terminal Five recently. It's all a big enough shambles without having our favourite savage celebrity Naomi Campbell throwing a five star wobbly when her bag wasn't loaded. The notoriously short tempered super model went so berserk that BA have banned her from their flights for life. Although on current form that's not much a punishment.

Muffin The Mule or It's That BA Humbug Time of Year

Has the world gone mad? Apparently British Airways have suspended a steward for eating a discarded muffin. According to a fellow worker "The cabin crew member on a long-haul flight took a muffin destined for the bin." According to news reports BA are treating the incident as theft after he was reported at Heathrow airport on Monday. The man's colleagues are furious with the decision, branding the airline 'heavy handed' and accused them of acting like a 'police state'.

Update

Already requests are flooding in from around the globe asking what kind of muffin it was. After extensive research we think it maybe this kind of muffin.