How to Get Ahead

Dreaming of joining the glamorous world of airline cabin staff but just a mite under size? Itching to swan down the first class aisle doling out champagne but a fraction off the right stature? Keen to see the world but a little on the petite side? Help is at hand (or, rather, at head). After being approached by a woman who was marginally too short to qualify for an airline's minimum height requirements to land her 'dream job' of becoming a flight attendant, a Spanish surgeon has had a moment of inspiration.

Dr Luis de la Cruz has hit upon the wheeze of, rather than invasive and debilitating leg extension surgery, and more permanent than wearing Sarko-style Cuban heels, to add an inch or two by performing a 'head implant'. Yup, under local anaesthetic he just slips a silicon implant under the scalp and, hey presto, you're taller. "The patient is very happy with the result and is now an air stewardess," he reports.

He's subsequently performed the operation on 17 people, adding up to 2 inches to their height, at a cost of about £4,000 a time. However, people with thin faces beware - he says you shouldn't go for it as you'll look odd. In contrast to the pack of Mekons he's already done it on, we're sure. So if the flight attendant serving your next meal looks a bit like she's fresh from a Tefal advert, you'll know why.

While on the subject of cabin crew, pity the poor member of BA's staff working a flight out of Heathrow's Terminal Five recently. It's all a big enough shambles without having our favourite savage celebrity Naomi Campbell throwing a five star wobbly when her bag wasn't loaded. The notoriously short tempered super model went so berserk that BA have banned her from their flights for life. Although on current form that's not much a punishment.

Aircrew Get Up To Hijinx Shock!

This just in....apparently the makers of a saucy (it's like the write up for a Carry On film -Ed) Thai soap opera about airline crews has been forced to apologize for offending real-life flight attendants, who had complained that the scenes of sexual hijinx have sullied their reputations. At first we thought they might have felt they were not saucy enough but far from it. The TV company that makes "The Air Hostess War," has said they are sorry if they had offended anyone, and would tame some of the show's racier elements. The show follows the sexual shenanigans of a dashing married pilot and features love triangles, fights in the plane aisles and trysts on stopovers in exotic locations.

Clearly the product of a twisted and exaggerated imagination

BA Crew MIA?

"Due to a shortage of crew the BA1503 Manchester-New York flight was cancelled and we have apologised for the disruption to the passengers."

According to the BBC the reason for the shortage was because police received an anonymous call at about 0415 on Friday, claiming BA cabin crew were partying at a Manchester hotel. The crew were told to remain at the hotel after BA had been informed of the claims and they never reported for duty at Manchester Airport.

Island Life

Passengers' non-existent knowledge of geography - and specifically the geography over which they are travelling - is a regular source of astonishment to flight attendants. It seems that some people have never even encountered an atlas, never mind looked at a map, before taking a trip and have little or no grasp of how far they're going or how their destination and route relates to the rest of the planet.

One such lady was sitting looking out of the window on a flight from the US west coast to Hawaii. When the flight attendant was serving her a drink the lady asked "Are we going to see water the entire way to Hawaii?" "I sure hope so." replied the bemused flight attendant, wondering what this lady was thinking. The passenger just looked back out of the window and dreamily said "Oh my gosh, we're going to see water the entire way..."

While on the subject of trips to Hawaii and passengers' strange expectations, another passenger had a disagreement with a flight attendant about how long it would take to get to the islands. The seasoned cabin crew member explained that they're thousands of miles off the west coast of the US and would take hours to get to. The passenger wouldn't have it, insisting that the distance wasn't great, and the debate continued for a long while. Finally the truth emerged; the passenger had been looking at a map of the US on which, in order to fit everything on the page, the cartographer had placed Hawaii an inch or so from California.

Air Navigation Rules

Pilots as a general rule are a group of people who are pleased with themselves and like to think they're a cut above the rest of humanity, never mind the cabin crew. They are certainly skilled people who have achieved a lot by earning the command of an aircraft and are usually more than happy to allow others to admire their prowess.

It's practically a rite of passage for new cabin crew members at an airline to have the chance to sit in the cockpit of the aircraft during a take-off and landing in order that they might gain an insight into what's going on the other side of the door. It's also not unusual for the pilot to take the chance to pull the newbie's chain a bit.

This was certainly the case when one unfortunate stewardess was observing the flight crew and asked how the managed to navigate from airport A to airport B. As luck would have it at that moment there was low cloud below the aircraft, a contrail above them and a high sun, which cast a dead straight shadow from the contrail onto the cloud below which stretched ahead of them. "Oh'" replied the pilot to her question, "we just follow the black line you see there." "Oh, I see..." answered the stewardess, thus confirming the flight crew's preconceptions about cabin crew's intellecual standing and earning herself years of mickey-taking.

Happy Days....

An American Airlines stewardess class on completion of their course in 1960

From Nurses to Flight Attendants

Today’s flight attendant has evolved from and idea by Ellen Church, a trained nurse, who in 1930 persuaded Boeing Air Transport (later to become United Airlines) to hire eight nurses to act as the first stewardesses.

Some airlines had already started using “cabin boys”, who loaded luggage and assisted passengers. Church argued that women in general, and uniformed nurses in particular, would not only present a more comforting presence but would also be able to deal with any ailment which a passenger suffered in flight.

The trial was a success and stewardesses quickly became a fixture in aircraft cabins. The passengers appreciated having someone on duty to provide drinks, sandwiches, a whiff of smelling salts in the case of a faint and chewing gum to alleviate ear ache. They also checked in the passengers, kept watch for fuel leaks and loaded the luggage.

The specifications for the job were very strict; they had to be trained nurses, be under 5 feet 4 inches in height and weigh less than 118 pounds, be aged between 20 and 26 years and be single. A training manual of the times dictated that “A rigid military salute will be rendered to the captain and co-pilot as they go aboard the plane and deplane before the passengers. Check with the pilots regarding their personal baggage and place it on board promptly.”

Not The Mile High Club

In 2003 an American travel agency specializing in ‘clothing-optional vacations’ announced that they were organizing the first nude flight. However, according to the owners of the travel agency this was not an excuse for naughtiness. "Inappropriate behavior is not condoned," said James Bailey, who owns Castaways Travel with his wife, Donna Daniels. "This is not a Mile High Club, not a bunch of groupies or anything. It's just a fun flight."

The company chartered a Boeing 727, with 170 seats, for a week’s holiday for the nudists in Cancun, Mexico. The crew naturally remained fully clothed, and passengers checked in dressed and had to remain that way for take off. It was only when the aircraft reached cruising altitude that they got their kit off. Even then according to the travel agent. "Nude etiquette always requests you take a towel - you always have a towel between you and the seat," he said. Other precautions on the flight included the fact that no hot drinks or meals were going to be served on board – “to avoid those nasty little accidents.”

The Travel Agent, who books around fifty nudist trips each year said, "People are looking for stress relief. In a nudist environment, everyone is the same. There's no culture shock, no hierarchy of social strata, no caste system. Everyone is on the same wavelength."

The Federal Aviation Administration is taking a hands-off approach. "We have no regulations pertaining to nudity on board an aircraft." Does this mean you cannot be arrested on an American aircraft if you take your clothes off?

Anyone interested in checking out their, ‘clothing optional vacations’ can do so on the web; we’ll leave you to find the web address!

Hollywood's Very Own Pilot

When he was at the Paris Air Show Hollywood actor and pilot John Travolta said he found it easy to fly Airbus's A380 superjumbo and hoped to outdo rival Tom Cruise as a real-life Top Gun. Mr T has flown more than 5000 flight hours as a pilot; he apparently flew the world's largest airliner as a co-pilot in Australia. “I did fly that A380 you know. I was the first non-test pilot to fly that and I'm telling you it's a very easy plane to fly but technically complicated."

Easy yet complicated? Reminds me of the old adage - what's the difference between God and a pilot? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Crew Behaving Badly

Air crew can sometimes get high spirited when they are on a layover in a nice, hot, part of the world and they are lucky enough to be staying in a lovely hotel with a great swimming pool. High spirits inevitably reach new levels when drink is involved. On one occasion some members (in both senses of the word) of a crew had ended up skinny dippy in the pool. Egged on by some of the girls, one of the flight deck crew got out of the pool and was doing a variation on the dance of the seven veils using a similar number of towels. He finally, and some have said rather proudly, got down to the last towel and was parading along the edge off the swimming pool, which had what appeared to be a glass wall beside it. Unfortunately the glass wall was a one-way glass which the diners in the hotel’s restaurant could see out but those outside could not see in.